The weight of the world…
This has been a really stressful week for me. There have been numerous times that I have had to take a step back and look at how much I was letting other people’s behaviors affect me. Which, I must say, I am very disappointed in myself about.
Since becoming a counselor and a mom, I have never been more reminded of the fact that we can’t control what we can’t control. Sometimes crap happens; sometimes other people just suck; and sometimes shit piles up. There is no reason for it, and if there is a reason, we can’t do anything about it.
Now– I say that. I know that it is true. And still, this past week I have screamed, I have cried, I have not been able to sleep, and I (with shame and embarrassment) admit that I may have pitched a temper tantrum that could rival my toddler’s all because we didn’t have any wine in the house.
So yesterday morning, after waking up at 3:30am for the second day in a row with way too many to-do lists running through my head, I went running. And, let me preface this by saying that I am not a hit the pavement, rain or shine, “I love running” kind of runner. I am a on the treadmill, air conditioning, listen to Pandora while I read the closed captioning on the news, kind of runner. I ran and ran. I just kept watching that mile counter go higher and higher and it felt amazing. And even as my legs started to get tired and a bit wobbly, I just turned up the volume on my ipod and kept running.
To me, there is nothing better than that moment at the gym when you are completely zoning out to the point that you don’t notice all of the people staring at you because you are singing out loud to the songs on the “Pitch Perfect” soundtrack station.
[Side note- awesome Pandora station for dorks like me!]
I think at times, and this especially applies to mothers (and maybe even a few dads), that we let the weight of the world pile up on us without even realizing how heavy it is. As a self-proclaimed control freak, I know exactly what it is like to try and be in charge of everything. I am guilty of truly believing that nothing will ever be done as well as when I do it. I take on too much, I struggle to delegate, and I get upset when things don’t go exactly right.
I am trying to change. I would like to say that I am getting better at letting other people be in charge (even though I have delegated a good bit of planning for Noah’s upcoming 2nd birthday party and it is making me very nervous and a bit panicky). Matt and I use the “do what works” style of parenting which has helped to take away a lot of pressure on getting it right. And, even though I have 2 jobs, a toddler, a husband, and a new blog, I am making sure that I take time for me and that Matt and I make time for each other.
I have learned, though not without resistance, that I can’t do it all and, what I do take on doesn’t have to be perfect. I can’t let the things that I cannot control be in control of me. I have to say “no” sometimes and I have to recognize when I am in too deep.
This realization hit me square in the face yesterday morning. This is the moment I realized that I had let someone else make me furious. I gave someone else the power to determine how I was feeling, how I reacted, and ultimately how my entire day played out.
Thankfully I have the gym, a treadmill, and Pitch Perfect.