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Grief sucks
A month ago today, I said goodbye to my sweet Kenan. The amount of support and kind words I received in response to my farewell to him, Doggie Heaven, has been so meaningful and compassionate and I am truly thankful to all of those that kept Kenan and my family in your thoughts.
It’s been a long time since I lost someone close to me and, while I always knew that I sucked at grief, I had no idea it would be so incredibly hard. As a counselor, I have all of the tools I need to get through this. I have helped numerous people deal with grief at many different levels. I am not afraid to admit that, when I do have a client who is struggling with the loss of someone close to them, I have been known to cry right along with them. They have always said that it helps them to know that their struggle is real and legit and not easy.
But, without Kenan, I feel so alone and empty and lost in such unfamiliar territory. It has been a ridiculously horrible month. Let me first say that, with Kenan’s disease being of a degenerative nature, we knew that we would eventually have to make the decision that we did. The one thing that I said to Matt (who, for what it’s worth, has lost pets in the past) was that we wait until after Christmas to make the decision. He agreed and I was left in a weird mix of happiness and denial. The big problem was that, when I looked at Kenan, I still saw a healthy and energetic puppy who could run for miles without stopping. My mind ignored his back legs dragging behind him. I chose not to think about the rubber mats that we had to line the house with so that his feet didn’t slip all over the place when he tried to go to the kitchen. And I justified his crying and moaning at night as loneliness and aggravation that he couldn’t do the things he used to.
On a Tuesday night, I got up with him around 2:30 in the morning. I had to lure him outside with jerky treats and I had to carry the back half of him most of the way. He made it all the way outside to the grass, turned around, and looked at me with eyes that finally admitted, “Mommy, I just can’t do this anymore.”
I sat down with him, outside on our back deck, only in my pajama shirt and bedroom shoes, and I held him while I cried. It was the first time that I was able to see how much pain he was in. It was the first moment that I didn’t think of him as a puppy anymore. And, in that moment, I realized that it never occurred to me that he would die. I never thought about a time in my life when he wouldn’t be there.
The truth is, I don’t have any regrets about the time that Kenan let me be his mommy. In fact, he taught me how to be a mother. His stubborn nature and lack of consideration taught me how to be patient, even when tired and frustrated. His dislike for the slightest movement or disturbance taught me how to move slowly but surely as I tried to slip out of the room or escape from under the covers. And his ridiculous antics taught me how to laugh at an impossible situation rather than get angry or upset.
During our last night with Kenan, we brought all of the mattresses down from upstairs and made a giant floor-bed so that we could all sleep as a family one more time. We spent the night telling funny stories about Kenan. Matt reminded me of the time that, on his way to Asheville from Chapel Hill, after he and I had a huge fight, he was less than five minutes from his parents’ house when Kenan stood up in the passenger seat and vomited and vomited all between the console and the seat and then tried to lick him in his face. 
Then, there was the time that I had to hold Kenan down when he was just a few months old, so that Matt could try and clip Kenan’s toenails. He wriggled and writhed until, obviously, Matt clipped a toenail too deep and Kenan’s toe began to bleed. He immediately began howling and crying at a pitch that sounded as though we were beating a cow into submission. He ran, full speed, up and down the stairs of our rented apartment, leaving a stream of blood everywhere he went. He never let us cut his toenails again. We tried taking him to the groomers a few times but, after the 2nd groomer called us and told us never to bring him back again (while we can hear him crying and moaning in the background), we decided that he would just have long toenails. And then, in the first moments after we said goodbye to Kenan, while sitting on the floor at the veterinarian’s office, I wiped my tears away, blew my nose, and said to Matt, “Do you want to cut his toenails?” We laughed for a minute and then cried together.
The hardest thing I have ever done is to walk out of the veterinarian’s office and leave Kenan’s body behind. I could have sat in there for days, just holding him and rocking him. Matt asked me if I was ready to leave and I just shook my head, “No.” He sat back down and held the two of us while I cried.
What’s crazy is that, before Kenan finally faded away, I looked down and noticed a large wet spot on the leg of my jeans. When I looked further, I realized that the wet spot was from Kenan’s tears. He was crying. But I don’t think it was sad tears. I think it was a sign of him letting go. I think he was trying to tell me that he was ready. And I think he was excited about being able to run again. He wanted to go to the dog park and chase the birds in the yard. He wanted to run to the door and bark at the UPS man. And he wanted to jump up on the bed and snuggle up beside me on Saturday mornings.
Our house is so much quieter now. The hardest part is when I walk in the back door after work and no one barks at me to make sure that I am not a burglar. Poplar, our black lab who just happens to be the sweetest and quietest dog in the world, doesn’t make any noise (unless she stands too close to the wall and her tail bangs against it). The silence is deafening and it breaks my heart every time. I spent the first 2 weeks avoiding our house as much as possible. Matt finally asked me to “try and come back to him” so I worked really hard at spending more time at home.
The truth is, I really do suck at grief. The empty hole in my chest is still empty and I spend every day “grief-shopping” just trying to fill it. I realized that as long as I stayed busy or bought “stuff,” I didn’t hurt so much. But the house is still quiet. Matt, because he is so wonderful, texted me one day that he was home and we got a package delivered. He texted, “The UPS man just rang the doorbell and Poplar barked for almost 3 minutes. It felt safe again.” I sobbed like a baby.
Kenan, I desperately miss you. I’m not sure when this pain will pass but I want you to know that your presence in our lives left such an impact. I still hear you sometimes. When I am up by myself or when it gets really quiet, I hear you howling. I have even turned a looked a few times to make sure that all of this grief has not just been a bad dream. I hope that you are running faster than all of the other dogs and that you have found a comfortable spot on the couch next to a really warm and still angel. And I hope that everyone up there has a ton of patience because you really are so amazing if people give you a chance. I am working every day to get by and to move forward. But I think about you all the time. And, even though I know you’re not coming back, I feel you here with me. I just wish it wasn’t so quiet.
New Year’s Eve- Mom Style
We have never really been huge celebrators of the New Year. Pre-parenthood, there was the occasional party or night out with friends (or there was that time that we double-dated in Chapel Hill and couldn’t get a cab so, in a drunken and silly decision, my best friend and I took off walking in our fancy clothes and stilettos and got about 3 miles before our soon-to-be hubbies drove up in a cab). But, overall, most New Year’s Eves have been spent in our house with a couple bottles of champagne and Ryan Seacrest watching the ball drop.
After Noah was born, nothing really changed except we had to be extra quiet, or there was that first year, when Noah was only 4 months old and I think my first minutes of 2012 were spent breastfeeding. What can I say? Being a mom is exciting.
Well, this year, I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we could pull ourselves together enough so that Noah could actually be awake with us to watch the ball drop (after all, I haven’t been able to get him to bed lately until 10pm so what was a couple more hours). We have been trying to gear him up to be excited about New Year’s for over a week. We have worked hard on getting him to be ready for 2015 and I think he knows what a New Year’s resolution is (although he does not seem very sold on the idea).
I bought a few extra bottles of wine and champagne so Matt and I would be in the right mindset to handle a few extra hours of the possible tired and grumpy tantrums that we were assuming were in our near future. I made my traditional giant pot of chili and homemade cornbread so we would have lots of leftovers to eat on New Year’s Day while we watch football (but I did fancy it up with a 3-meat chili: steak, Italian sausage, and beef).
Things were going well. We ate chili, drank wine, had to stop every now and then to participate in a Paw Patrol rescue mission, it was good. Then, I made a pretty huge and ill-advised mistake. I looked at Matt and asked, with all confidence, “Is it cool if I just lay down and close my eyes for a minute?”
Because he loves me, he said yes. And, before I knew it, Noah had already had a bath, was in his PJs, and was using my leg as an adventure scene for his Paw Patrol pups. I swear I was only asleep for about 10 minutes but, in super-tired mom-fashion, I think it was more like an hour and a half. 
Unfortunately, there was no coming back from my unrealistic power-nap and I took Noah up to his room to get him in bed. The next thing I knew, it was 2:45am and I had fallen asleep in Noah’s room. The ball had dropped, Taylor Swift had sung “Shake It Off” and I missed it, and Matt had poured my full wine glass back into the bottle (champagne never opened).
Looking back at 2014, this was actually a rather apropos way to end the year. Having a willful and freakishly energetic toddler has been exciting and exhausting. I have never been more tired in my life. When I was a brand new mom and Noah was nursing every 45 minutes, I only thought I was tired. Working a full-time job, seeing clients at night part-time, and coming home to play superheroes and pirates is grueling, but worth it. In addition, the grief that Matt and I are still struggling with after losing our precious dog, Kenan, less than 3 weeks ago is still very fresh. The stress of Christmas is usually pretty significant but, the stress of Christmas without Kenan was almost more painful than either of us could bare.
I don’t think I will be any less exhausted in 2015. If I know my son, he will only get faster and stronger and become even more willful as he gets older. But, as we hang the new calendar with all of Noah’s activities, client schedules, and Matt begins a new career (super excited about having him work closer to home), I am excited about 2015.
New goal for the year: stop falling asleep in Noah’s room. My back is killing me!
Doggy Heaven
Dear God,
When Kenan meets you tomorrow, I need you to make me a few promises.
Be kind. He is a very special dog, full of quirks and bad habits. He is mixed with grizzly bear and teddy bear. He moves with the speed of lightning and the stubbornness of a thousand mules. It is easy to shout and push. But Kenan deserves so much more than forcefulness. He deserves hugs and snuggles, loving words and mountains of praise. And, when you feel like you have given all the love and encouragement that you can give, he will surprise you with the nuzzle of his nose, the soft touch of his ears, and the most grateful look in his eyes.
Be patient. I’ve always said that Kenan is the kind of dog that only his mother can love. While some people might describe him as annoying, I would describe him as interesting. He talks and he cries. He will never let you watch your favorite show. And he makes sure that everyone in the house knows what he wants and when he wants it. But he is loyal and sweet. He can sense when you are upset or hurting. And he knows just when to lay his head, ever so gently, right in your lap so you might be distracted, just for a few minutes, from whatever is causing you pain. You just have to be patient enough to give him the chance.
Be a protector. Kenan is so used to guarding us that he often forgets to watch out for himself. He wore a dirt path in our yard along the fence line, and yet, he never once asked for protection in return. He barked every time someone rang the doorbell or pulled in to the driveway. And on the random nights that I was home alone and Matt was away, Kenan stood guard by my bedside, without sleeping, just to make sure that I was safe. Yet, as I watched so vigilantly over him, he still developed this terrible disease. I watched as his toes began to curl under as he walked. I looked away as he began to get up more slowly every morning. And I denied that this was more than just arthritis in an old and tired dog. And now, as I sit, cuddled up beside him on the night before we take him to the vet to take his final breaths, I blame myself for not protecting him.
Be fun. He loves to run and chase. He loves to be mischievous and impish. I can’t count the hours that we played outside, playing a one-sided version of fetch. I would throw the ball, he would run and get it, bring it back, and then refuse to give it to me so I could throw it again. Instead, he wanted to play tug, and jump, and wrestle. We had to put blockades under the deck because of the number of times he crawled under there to hide and couldn’t get out. And then there’s the time he caught the ground hog…
Be still. He doesn’t really like it when you move, or when you’re too loud, or when you disrupt him in any way. In fact, when he used to sleep under the bed, he would growl if you happened to turn over while on top of the bed. And, if he snuggles up next to you, don’t move, or shift, or itch your leg. That also bothers him.
And, as I am not positive if dogs go to doggy heaven or people heaven, please, whichever heaven Kenan manages to smuggle his way into, please help him to find friends. Help him to discover again how amazing he is. Help him to be able to come and go back into our lives as we need him. Help him to remind us that we are not infallible human beings and that we must be grateful for what we have. Help us to be able to sense him when he visits and be able to love and support him, even in spirit.
I have this ridiculous fear that he won’t fit in when he gets to heaven. No matter what dog park we went to here on Earth, he was always the outcast. He was always louder and more vocal than any other dog. He always ran faster without looking than any other dog. And he could never quite take the social cues that the other dogs put off. I hope heaven would be different. I hope in heaven, there are other dogs with curly tails, loud, boisterous voices, and wildly rambunctious crazy runs. I need him to know that he is the king of dogs, in heaven, and in our lives.
I’m desperately afraid that we have made the wrong decision. And I am even more afraid that we have made the right one. Kenan, I love you… More than you could ever know. Thank you for being the best dog, the worst dog, and the most amazing friend I could ask for. I only hope that you can say the same for me.
Brutally Honest Mom 